i work with debbie downer’s male counterpart

March 1, 2010 at 11:13 am | Posted in Rants and Raves | Leave a comment

no seriously, i really do. i call him “denny downer” and he is the single most negative person i have ever encountered in my life. i have a tendency to be a little less than optimistic (understatement of the year) but this guy makes me look like little miss sunshine on prozac.

i don’t call him denny downer to his face because a) i don’t talk to him. i don’t really talk to anyone i work with anymore but if i had to verbally interact with him on a daily basis, i’d be on suicide watch. yes, he’s that bad. and b) if i brought his negativity to his attention, he’d probably rip a kitten’s head off with his bare hands just to show me what a bad day feels like.

i live in pittsburgh. it’s no secret that southwestern pennsylvania does not have the best weather in the world. we live in mountains, a few hours south of the great lakes, a short trip away from the great white north… none of that equates to dry, sunny days 365 days a year. i read somewhere that pittsburgh gets, on average, around 60 truly sunny days a year. that leaves around 300 days a year of rain, sleet, snow, cloudy skies, etc. i’m fairly certain that denny downer has lived here for most of his life. and for those of you keeping score out there, it is barely the ass crack of march. sure, spring is right around the corner but being the bitch that mother nature is, she usually has some wintry tricks up her sleeve for march.

in a conversation i overheard today (because it was happening 3 feet behind me), denny downer says that there is apparently a weatherman — not sure which one — who has accurately predicted every one of the massive snowfalls we’ve had here recently. to the inch. imagine that… a weatherman getting the forecast correct. talk about insanity. this same weatherman is predicting we still have another 40 inches or so coming to us. denny downer’s take on that? “if it snows again, i swear i’ll just kill myself right there.”

really?

this ain’t san diego. it’s PITTSBURGH! holy crap, it snows here?? get the hell out! i realize we’ve had record snowfall in the area this winter but he’s acting like there’s a giant cloud following him around, singling him out and pooping snowballs right on his head. it’s affecting EVERYONE man! lighten up a bit! make a snow angel! go sled riding! turn these lemons into lemonade! SOMETHING!!!!

and… he’s married! i can’t imagine being in a relationship with this person. i believe the wedding talk would go a little something like this:

future mrs. denny downer: “hey, honey. how’s about we have a september wedding?”

denny downer: “no dear, we can’t do that. knowing my luck, the apocalypse will come and it’ll simultaneously snow and rain fire on us and i really don’t want my massive goatee to get singed. and the steelers will lose that weekend. and my dog will die. and i’ll get a raging case of shingles the day of the ceremony. my grandfather will spontaneously combust. this is all just because i am who i am and these things happen to me all the time.”

i really wish i was exaggerating.

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